Susan's Thursday morning note January 18, 2007 Thoughts on anniversary of mom's death. Thoughts on heaven.
Good morning! I have been thinking about what I’m about to write all night, and when I think too hard then it’s harder to write. I don’t want to be at all depressing in this note, for I’m sitting here with a huge cup of coffee in a yellow, flowery mug. Two deaf/blind dogs are driving me crazy clicking on the wood floor with their little feet. Oreo the hamster sleeps on a table next to me. I just want to encourage you with what is on my mind. I hope I can appropriately write… (all grammar editors let this one go – I’m going to type as I think on this one!)
January 20 – six years ago my mom died at 7:00 in the morning. Why does our mind replay year after year the scenes of “the lasts” now that I have just these two days leading up to the 20th to remember the details of her? Like a tape recorder that we have no capability of turning to “off”. Camden born four months later. We chose Geoffrey as his middle name because of the meaning. Divine Peace. Peace from God. Why is the word “peace” a word that I love? Stillness – mind isn’t spinning. Silence. Quiet. Calm.
What was it like the second mom died for her? C.S. Lewis is a Christian writer/philosopher from Oxford that studied/dialogued with J.R.R. Tolkein. He wrote his impression of what the moment of death might be in his opinion as complete peace. Like floating. Silence. Calm. No anxiety. No pressures. No anything. Just peace.
Other ideas that I cling to – Remember Camden’s statement to an older friend at the age of four… “Grandpa got smashed and then he got to touch God’s hand!” Where did he get that wonderful image of the moment of death?
Another idea that I can’t get out of my head when I picture the moment of death…angels. I love the song Serenaded by Angels… “Serenaded by angels up to the throne…Serenaded by angels finally at home. Surrounded by praises to the king. Welcome to paradise! The angels will sing!” This scene is full of such excitement, celebration, music, fun!
Maybe’s one of the miracles of heaven is to provide all three at the same time. Stillness. Celebration. Face-to-face intimate moment with God looking into our eyes. How can all three be possible in that moment? But moments are not part of eternity. Time is not a factor.
My memories of the five minutes following Mom’s death is silence in her room. Peace. Stillness. Quiet. The only visible sign to us of her entrance into God’s presence was complete stillness. Oh, to see what she got to see that second. How can so many conflicting emotions go through us as in the five minutes following such a moment? Relief vs. overwhelming sadness. Memories of laughter vs. suffering. What was vs. what I will no longer have in my life. Her eyes open before the medication vs. eyes never to look at me again. To go from that five minutes to the next six years. Have I had silence since the doctors/friends entered the scene? Maybe it takes those few incidents in our life to have a complete stop to our clocks. Too intense to happen more than a few times in our lifetimes. Too intense. Defining moments to also know we possibly wouldn’t know how to change if we could rewrite our personal scripts of our own lives. These moments define us. Shape us.
Why do we not create vivid “reflective moments” that define us on our own timing? Why wait for these moments to be ones of our hard times? Make ourselves stop, examine where we’ve been, where we are, and where we want to be. Make life all that we can. Make our songs worth a story. Not just exist. Oone of my favorite prayers reads, “May the peace that passes understanding never pass away in your life. ” Peace. What a beautiful word. Susan