Being Real (Telling Secrets by Frederick Buechner) (May 2007)

Susan's Thursday morning note May 24, 2007 
Being Real (Telling Secrets by Frederick Buechner)

Good morning. I’ll be honest, I just erased “Good”, but didn’t know what to appropriately put in it’s place, so put that little descriptive right back at the beginning of my sentence again. I’m trying to straighten my attitude this early in the morning, for the concrete was to be laid in front of the store this week, for you to actually come in the store without the back detour, but another day where they can’t because of the rain. I now have much more empathy for those of you “waiting” for getting houses built, or for farmers needing to plant, but affected by the weather! My coffee isn’t peculating fast enough for me this morning!

I’m going to try to put into words what I’ve been processing in my mind on a personal level this month, in the hope that what I’m working through will help trigger your own mind to grow also. I am fighting a melancholy mood this week, without wanting to cover up my emotions, but trying to show maturity in handling my emotions. Does that make sense? It’s again that week of the year where Dad’s birthday lands, and the 7-year anniversary of his accident takes place. I’m just always so amazed at the power of my mind to try to get me into a thought-process of “If I could just go back in time…” The last few months I have been trying to get organized, get more sleep, read more, and try to, (what I say to my close friends), “find Susan again.” I realized this spring that I haven’t gotten a grip on so many things since the year mom & dad died – just surviving the challenges and rush of life. Last week the comment was made to me, “I think you’re losing the circles under your eyes.” My response was, “I think so, too, but when I look in the mirror I still do not find Susan when I look into my eyes.” Their response, “Who are you trying to find?”

I have thought of that line so often over the last week. Who am I looking for? Here’s the conclusion I came to – There is no Susan from the past I would even want to be! That was a huge breakthrough for me. Death and events out of my control have changed who I am, to the extent that I continually desire a different time period of my life, thinking that will bring me the peace and energy and joy that I desire. But this was a powerful thought to me. I am who I now am. What am I going to do about that now that I’ve accepted it? How do I develop the Susan that has changed? Appreciate what life has brought me, appreciate that I am different, appreciate that I now can think on a different scope than any of the Susan’s in the past would’ve been capable of. I hope you are following where I’m going with this and can apply it to your personal situation – where you are NOW, not any time from your past that you think you’d like to have back.

The hymn that has been playing over & over in my mind this week quietly and beautifully promises such intimate communion with God.
I come to the garden alone,
while the dew is still on the roses.
And the voice I hear falling on my ear
The Son of God discloses.

And He walks with me, and He talks with me,
And He tells me I am His own;
And the joy we share as we tarry there (such a quiet scene!)
None other has ever known.

He speaks, and the sound of His voice,
Is so sweet the birds hush their singing, (such calm!)
And the melody that He gave to me
Within my heart is ringing.

Oh, to look up – a promise that this is where our strength, our hope, our help comes from!!! What can you do today, this week, this month, this season of your life to develop who you are at this moment in your life story – to become who you are capable of being? Read as you sit with your family in front of the TV at night, find quotes that inspire you and hang them all over, find people that encourage you and help you to grow intellectually, spiritually, and as a person. Be picky on who you give your energies to. Be picky on authors you spend time reading. Life is incredibly short. Who knows what will take place in our lives even this week to once again change the make-up of who we are – as we continually change, may we accept the changes and challenge ourselves to continually grow in our character and in our minds. One day at a time – a new day to appreciate the birds singing for us, the flowers blooming for us, and the God that hears us when we drop to our knees, or when we look up to the heavens. Go take on your week! Go read a new author, find out something new, help a friend to have a better day. Thank you for all your business through our back door. I keep hearing the phrase as you enter, “Back door friends are best!” and I couldn’t agree more! Susan